I'm on my way to Sydney (Gosford actually tonight) and at the moment having a quick snack at Taree. Interesting observation that I've had over the last few days; I feel ugly without dreads. My reasons for taking them out were quite a few, and probably valid in many ways. I'm still glad I did. But at this stage I don't think my self esteem can handle me not having them for too long. If you think that's weird, well it is a bit. It surprises me a lot. Ihad no idea how much confidence having them gave me. For the first time in my life I've been able to look in the mirror and think I look pretty on a regular basis. That's not saying I hated my appearance; I have nor have I ever had any major issues with the way I look. But they made me feel good about myself. I think they really suited me. Despite the fact moat people probably look at them and think I look gross, despite the fact I often look at other peoples and think that myself; despite my dad disliking them and always wanting to make him proud, and despite me worrying aboutnot attracting an intelligent man, or being pre-judged, or being taken seriously... Despite ALL that, I am happier with them. This is startling and intriguing. I never thought I'd feel this way. Guess what, world! I hate normal hair! I suppose I'll put the next set in ASAP. How exciting!

He's just the most awesome thing in my world. I'm glad that amidst the chaos and uncertainty, I have him. 

 Today I have to do my taxes so that I have something to give the accountant tomorrow. 

I do not recommend watching the entire series of Black Books immediately prior to attempting any kind of tax-related bookwork. Words like 'feck' and 'arse' and 'wine' keep popping into my head, I am scowling and find the desire for alcohol and cigarettes almost unbearable. Oddly, I have never been a smoker.

Sigh. Ok, I'll stop procrastinating. Crying, whatever. I can see through the tears to type in the numbers.I wish I was more like Ada, numbers just hate me. HATE ME! *sob*

I'm pretty sure I declared I should have been in bed about three hours ago, but here I am, still lucid and mad as a hatter.

I was on Photobooth to take some pics of the fuzzy ends of my dreads [which I kinda started combing out to see how horrible it's going to be. Not too bad it seems] and kinda um got sidetracked taking stupid faces of myself. Then I 'found' the effects section again, and all hell broke loose.

 
( Disclaimer: I am not insane, honestly. )

I was feeling a bit yucky today, so I decided to throw on some makeup, a pretty new dress, some earrings and take some photos! Actually the main reason was to capture my dreads before they go bye-byes. Yes, the dread babies are going, after a short but happy stint.

( More about dreads, and Pretty PIcs! )

Ok! I have been working on this for quite a while, not because it's been hugely major... it has been big, but I've just found the motivation comes and goes for some reason. It became a case of "AWESOME! Let's paint this!" Then "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh ...you fucker... this isn't woooorking!! Time-to-do-somethingelse for a while..."

But it stared me down from the corner in ever-increasing angst until tonight when I had a hissy fit, gave in and finished the damn thing.

It was originally all ink, but part of the bargain we had* was that it was going to be finished digitally, or not at all. One day if I'm feeling confident and gracious I might post the painting part. Might. It looks far better with it's make-up on, trust me. 
I just want to add that I had this all drawn and started before I had even heard of Avatar, so don't go making any delightful cross-references here. Don't even think about it! I am and always will be, a rainforest loving, body art fanatic closet hippy weirdo.

Enough waffle. Here it is. 'Forest Keepers'- Print for sale on Etsy


 * Surely, assigning sentience and bargaining rights to a painting is not completely mad, is it?

 I went to the specialist again. My blood tests were mostly normal, which is a big YAY... no kidney or liver problems. Phew!

The only issues were a vitamin D deficiency, which isn't normal seeing as I live on the beach!... So, it could be most likely due to malabsorption I could be having from my stomach issues. I looked at my other result and while nothing was in the 'bad' zone, a few of my vitamin and mineral levels were on the low end of the scale. So he agreed I need to sort out these stomach things when I am in Sydney again, and can be a bit more stable with seeing specific doctors.

Also weird was that my ANA was negative. This is a blood marker that is common in autoimmune patients. Last time, it was positive. He did say it can "wax and wane" so I guess it's not too funny... also apparently SS patients only have it in 40-70% of cases anyway. I guess it was just in a waning phase?

But I'm taking away the positives here... yay I'm not super ill in the inside bits! Also the vitamin D might help with the awful aches and pains I've been having lately. I've got a fancy script for Ostelin, a vit D supp. Lets hope it works :)

 I realised that life is about the journey you take, and how you take it. It's not about the goals you set. It's not about the milestones and forgetting the bad times. 

It's about just LIVING. Every single day, every little thing, the toast you eat, the sky outside. The way the air feels. In the stream of time, the past is gone, the future doesn't yet exist, all we have is the now. Make every now count, and you are really taking that journey.



Now I've been all inspiring, I'm going to go get all sweaty and feral and pack my car with all my crap :P Ah moving, good times!

 "To SBS Station;

I am writing with a request.

Two days ago, on the 11th, Eva Markvoort posted a tragic video blog saying farewell to her loyal blog followers. Her lifelong battle with Cystic Fibrosis is coming to a sad end. Thousands have already logged in to say goodbye, and to ensure that she knows the love we felt for her, and that her legacy need not be forgotten. As of this moment we are unaware of her condition, but with little lung function left, it is unlikely Eva will remain alive for much longer.

Eva did many wonderful things for CF in her short but brilliant life; perhaps one of the best, was starring in the short independent film documentary "65 Red Roses". Made in canada, and sadly at the moment only available to view via their Canadian website.

Not only is her story a touching humanitarian piece, it also highlights the plight of CF, a debilitating and fatal genetic disorder. Myself, and many of Eva's Australian followers, CF sufferers and anyone with chronic illness are pleading that your station could find a way to air this documentary for us, and for the rest of Australia to see. Our online presence will spread the word; we are passionate in our need to make sure Eva's life was not in vain, and her legacy continues.

Please help us, if you can.

Kindest Regards, and heartfelt thanks,

Meg Baker"

We love you, Eva.

Eva's website is 65redroses, and her last message to us can be seen here:

http://65redroses.livejournal.com/2010/02/11/

If you think you can help please ask SBS to air the video too, please let them know:

http://www.sbs.com.au/shows/aboutus/tab-listings/page/i/10/h/Contact/

I'm SO EXCITED about moving back to Sydney!!!

I never ever thought I'd say that.. but I'm moving to an amazing suburb, with a shit hot awesome flatmate, I get to see all my super rad friends again all the freaking time, and I'm going to party like it's 2010!

Side effects may include, better healthcare, cooler and less death-induicing job choices, and oh my god... SUSHI ON DEMAND HOW COOL IS THAT SHIT.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 


*Stock photo of me contemplating how cool this is.

 I tried to post this yesty, but LJ was having a nervous breakdown. so we sat down and had a nervous breakdown together. :)
Here it is 

"Today wasn't a great day. Physically, and emotionally. I'll probably write more about that, but for now just a short post.

Today made me reflect on a lot of things. The way I approach my life, my illness, and my needs. I realised there's a few things I'm not doing right. I'm not keeping up my 'meds'; I'm hiding what I am; and I'm not asking for help when I need it.

So let's start at the end. Dear friends, I'm not going so great right now. I need hugs, lots and lots of hugs; cyber hugs, real hugs, all the love you can give. I need your love and support, because my stupid body is letting me down, and I feel desperately, achingly alone.

Secondly, I've been keeping my illness a secret from the world at large. Locked away behind friends-only posts, because I'm ashamed of not being perfect. I want to be whole and healthy so I've been in denial. I was in denial to myself, and today I realised, I was in denial to everyone else. Ashamed to be sick. Of being different to everyone else. Life is too short to hide who you are. I may not be my illness, but my illness is definitely a part of me, and this LJ is my voice, my words, and my story. Fuck it, if I feel like crap and need to vent, to find someone who understands, then I'll do it. I'm not hiding behind this 'pretend me' anymore. it's not who I am. If people don't like reading it, they don't have to. But I'm not hiding anymore. I'm going to unlock a lot of my friends only posts - the illness ones.

The meds thing is between me and my body. It's just something I need to get better at, and that comes with being not in denial, too. I'm freaking out because I got some x-rays last week, and read the report which said something... not good. I'm really scared. I messed up my specialist dates, so now I have to wait another week to see if it's actually something I should be worried about.I really hope I'm wrong, and it's nothing.

I love you guys, thanks for being you."

I totally meant that last part. You guys rock, so hard. Without my friends, real and online, I wouldn't be able to do half what I do. 

...That just sounds wrong. I should probably rephrase that.

Anyway! Moving right along... 

I have been steadfastly avoiding the whole digital painting thing for yeeeears, and apart from a few lame dabbles when I first got my Wacom back in uh, 2005 or something, have pretty much never gone there.  My reasons are lame, and anal retentive, and purist, and uh did I mention lame? Yeah, I get a big stupid bee in my bonnet about traditional media, and having to perfect the more difficult medium, blah blah blah. I blame my mother. I wasn't happy with the fact you can alter digital so easily. Because I'm lame.

But apart from my own internal arguments, I also had two other main objections. Firstly, I didn't want to follow the trend, god, that would be just... unheard of for me [sarcasm is hard to convey in text, I find]. Secondly the digital work I was seeing was so plastic to me that I had no interest in it at ALL.

Lately though I have been noticing a really beautiful painterly style come about, such as Amy Edward's (toeknuckles ) insanely incredible digital art. After wrestling with the huge ink piece that Shall Not Be Named Because I Want to Keelhaul it, and being frustrated to tears, I have been driven to the digital edge. I have done a digital painting.
It's only a relatively quick one, and a bit lame [did I mention that I'm a bit lame at this?] but uh, here it is anyway. I actually really found it to be mostly quite relaxing. Possibly the stress I generally thrive on from 'not fucking up that painting (oh yes, that's why I'm a good tattoo artist)' has finally undone me, and I needed to just enjoy the damn process. I'm not sure if I'll be doing more digital paintings, but it has taught me a lot about painting in general, and that I consider to be a good thing. 

Oh yes yes, alright so here it is. Be nice to me. I'm a baby at this.

( The damn art is under the cut )

Do you love the original title?

Just a little something I whipped up last night in a frenzy of sketching,  and assaulted briefly with Photoshop; as a little antidote to an hour of drawing dugong comics.  My brain can only stand so much cute before it screams and turns into something bad and nasty.
I might think about posting the dugong thing later. It's pretty horrible, I'm not a fan of comics and you can tell.



Obviously it's a woman who is going through the transformation from being bitten [ewww, juicy], to being a vampire. 

I feel I could write a story around this. The world definitely needs a good vampire story that involves more bleeding and less sparkling. Feck it, people need to realise that VAMPIRES ARE NOT CUDDLY. Just like koalas, and tofu, they are EVIL AND MADE OF PAIN. There is no cute, or morally redeeming about them; they are the spawn of the devil. Wasn't Lilith the first vampire, or something?

But then I guess Stephanie Meyers never got around to watching Nosferatu - Max Schrek isn't the kind of guy you'd want to get all intimate with.

I woke up in the middle of last night with the most horrifying splitting headache I have had in about a decade. Somehow managed to fall asleep again, thank god, but when I woke up early in the morning it was still there. I took a nurofen and fell asleep again. Woke up at 8.30am and the headache was still there.

Turns out I had a rare but bad reaction to the Naproxyn the specialist gave me. I have spent almost all day sleeping, utterly exhausted, and my head pounding away. Taking panamax because I'm not allowed to have aspirin or ibuprofen.

Finally, now, it's gotten down to a dull hum.

Another day of work missed... another medication I can't use... I'm running out of options. Back to the stupid drawing board.

For again being absent. I have a lot going on right now, with work and well, mostly being sick.

The thing is, I actually am getting sicker and sicker. In addition, I've been getting more and more depressed because of it. So I finally bit the bullet and arranged to go and see a [yet another] new rheumatologist. I saw him today, he is very nice, thorough and helpful. My morning was spent getting xrays, blood tests and medicine.

I'm now on a new medication. Please please please god/lord/thing, let it work. I'm sick of this broken body.

I hit a fairly low point the other day after eating everything I knew to not upset me, and i still got horrible stomach cramps [etc] the next day. I sort of thought, well what is the point of all this effort I go to?

Sadly, the dreadlocks may go soon too. The sicker I get, the harder I'm finding it to keep up the washing and loooong drying time that I have to do so that my psoriasis doesn't drive me mental.

I'm also seeing a counsellor to deal with the depression and get some help with the pain management. She's also awesome.

I'm tired now but I'll try to post more at some stage. Love you guys! I still read, even if I don't always post. Mwah.

 I recently discovered podcasts, and now I'm learning while I paint. I think I have found my nirvana. 

At least it is getting me motivated- I started painting at 8pm tonight, and it's 12.30am and I think I need to stop. I don't really want to... I discovered the most awesome podcasts about history things, and I have been drinking berry tea since I started, so I've got a mean case of Caffeine and Concentration nerves. Mid-session yoga-'lates didn't help as much as I'd hoped. I am sporting a hunch that any old lady would be envious of.

Anyway, the horrible beast of a painting is almost done. That is a real win for tonight. No person should ever spend that much time painting sepia autumn leaves, it is bad for the soul.

Almost done...

I have been wanting to make gluten free gnocchi for a looong time, pretty much since I first started this stupid diet. I just love gnocchi, and I figured being mostly potato it wouldn't be hard to translate... well, that's what I figured, and the internet politely told me otherwise. In fact, the internet politely insinuated that it would be easier for me to have my arms amputated and be the first woman to hop my way up Mount Everest, than to successfully make gluten-free gnocchi [let alone the regular variety]. So I was quite put off.

However, whilst camping yesterday my clever Italian aunt had some very awesome looking homemade gnocchi, and tonight, my brain was in one of those "Ah to hell, lets just try the damn thing and hey, let's not even bother with a boring old recipe" moods. This generally ends in a really messy kitchen, a pile of wasted food, and me cranky and hungry. I have been reading about making it for so long, I had a recipe-of-sorts gestating in my brain, and I was now ready to give birth to this recipe baby; so tonight it ended in gluten-free gnocchi, freestyle.

I'll be honest; it did take a while. And it was, as most good flour-based recipes are, fairly messy. But, and I have to stress this quite a lot, it was not hard at all to do. And and AND, I have to stress this EVEN MORE, it tasted un-fricking-real. I'm so proud of my brainchild I could just burst into a million disgusting pieces, like the dude in Meaning of Life. 

So without further ado, here's a picture of my super tastiest tasty yumyum dinner ever:

Aaaaaand here's the recipe. Don't be put off by the seeming length and trickiness. It's really not hard at all. MAN UP YOU PUSSIES! 

Gluten Free Gnocchi [optional: garlic & basil flavour] with Sundried Tomato Pesto

Ingredients


7 baby potatoes peeled and quartered
1 egg beaten
Gluten free flour [I use White Wings]
olive oil

Method


1. Steam the potato for about 10 minutes, or until you can poke a fork in it easily.

2. Turn the potato out into another bowl, and add a dash of olive oil.

3. Mash the potato. Some recipes say to use a ricer, but seeing as I don't know what the hell that is, I imitated the consistency needed by then taking to the tater with a hand whiz. I whizzed it until very smooth and creamy. For the insatiably curious, here's the Wikipedia page for a ricer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Potato_ricer]

4. Set aside to cool down a bit. Lukewarm or room temp is fine- I stuck my bowl in the freezer for about 5-10 min.

5. Now's a good time to prepare any extra flavours, if you want to vary from plain gnocchi. To make this flavour blend variation, I blended up a TBS of chives, 3-4 basil leaves and a small clove of garlic with my mini whizz [food processor] until really fine. Then, when the tater is cool enough, just mix the flavour blend through very thoroughly.

6. Add in the egg, mix through very well.

7. Get out your flour. Now, I didn't have precise measures, but I would guess at a minimum, 2 cups were used in all. I kept adding half a cup at a time, mixing in well until the dough was sticky but held it's shape solidly. The consistency is really important here, so I ignored the recommended amounts I found online, and just aimed for consistency.

8. Flour a board well, and you hands too! Grab a small blob of the dough, pat it out on the board a little, knead it up and then roll out on another board that is VERY LIGHTLY floured; you don't want the dough getting dry. roll out like a snake, into a long thin strip. About finger thickness is a good width.

9. Cut the little suckers up using a knife with flour on to prevent stickiness. A couple cms is a fair size for each gnocchi.

Ok! That's the prep. It's a lot easier than it sounds. The cooking part is even easier.

1. Boil a big pot of water with about a TBS of sea salt in it. When just under a rolling boil, carefully drop the gnocchi in [I laid mine out on a small plate, then tapped the plate on the edge of the pot to avoid getting splashed].

2.Watch carefully… in less time than you could poke a snake, get bitten and run away screaming and bleeding, the gnocchi's will rise to the top like little pillows of happiness. When they bob to the top, they are cooked, and you need to scoop them out carefully with a um, drainy scooper thingy. I'm so technical.

That's it! Scoop into a bowl, cover in your favourite sauce, consume, die of happiness.

Sundried Tomato Pesto Sauce


Now the pesto sauce I made was also super easy! All I did was, with my trusty mini wizz, combine:

1/2 small jar of sundried tomatoes, juice drained mostly off
1 TBS chopped chives
a tiny pinch of chilli powder
a tiny pinch of coriander
1/2 teaspoon brown sugar [actually I used black, but that's hard to find]
1 TBS pine nuts
a small handful of macadamias

Blended the crap out of it, and then put it aside. When I added it to the gnocchi, I also put a little bit of a jar pasta sauce in that I had to make it a bit runnier. I can't have a lot of oil. However if oil is not a problem for you, I'd suggest adding a bit of olive oil to the blend too [if not, canned tomatoes would be fine too]. You can also salt to taste.

This recipe is Gluten Free, Dairy Free*, Vegetarian** and low fat



*Ingredients pending...don't forget to check all your labels! Some products can still contain hidden dairy, gluten or vegetarians. I'm just warning you.
**...and can be made vegan possibly, if you want to try substituting Orgran 'No Egg' instead of the egg... be it upon your head though, lord knows if it would work.